Hate Day

Emotional honesty is important in cancer survival

Today I hate everything and everyone. 

I hate everyone who is healthy. It’s just not fair. 

I hate tumor markers that are going up instead of down. Is this chemo even working?

I hate yoga. It’s painful. My body might feel good afterwards, but my hamstrings are too tight, my hips too damaged and I have no upper body strength to lift a leg in the air in downward facing dog. Who even thought that was a good idea. 

I hate kale and I believe people who like it have just not tasted butter lettuce. 

I hate chemo infusions, shots, pain and diarrhea. 

I hate clouds, clouds, clouds and cold and freezing drizzle. What’s wrong with this weather?

I hate impeachment day time tv. I hate everyone in Washington. This is all just to create the biggest loser. 

I hate anyone who can run a 5k or beyond. I really miss the freedom of a run. 

I hate anyone well enough to get up before 7:am and drive to work.  WAIT ~ WAIT ~ I’m retired. I don’t even want to do that. 

Okay, thanks. I feel better now. 

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This is my blog about living my life with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer—End stage. I joked about writing this imaginary blog when I spent a year on a treatment that allowed me only 10 days to feel well enough to live a fairly normal life. (Actually normal doesn’t even really exist for me anymore!) To earn those good days, I spent the previous 10 days living in post-chemo treatment physical hell – that also became normal in a perverse way. I’m also writing to honor those who are diagnosed with Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer. You might live longer than you expect and I want you to have someone who tells you what that’s like. There aren’t many role models for people with this because, well, they’re usually gone. So, this is for you. Maybe your journey will be similar to mine. Actually, it will probably be very different because “everyone is different.” Even still, maybe this will still be a bit of a guide.

6 thoughts on “Hate Day”

  1. Sounds like you had a crappy stretch for a bit. Sorry to hear that. Remember that the weather portion of this posting would make any sane person be a bit down.
    But you deserve to hate everybody and everything. I just know you won’t stay there. That just isn’t you; never was, never will be. 🌻

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing! That’s a heck of a list of good reasons for hate. Glad you shared and can now feel that load lightened and brightened! Wishing you sun shining days to come!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate that someone who has always made the healthiest choices, has always been a positive person, who has always been a giver in life can have that taken away from them by cancer who had no right to even grow in their body. It is all so wrong. Easy for me to say tomorrow is a new day from my cancer free body and tell you that you will rally soon. So go ahead and be angry & sad because cancer sucks. But deep in my heart I know you and know somehow you will still find sunshine on some days. Sending love & hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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