The good news is my doctor continues to be impressed with my indolent tumor. It’s impacting, but at its snail pace. 

The new vocabulary word for today: indolent – growing or progressing slowly; avoiding activity.

As usual, I’m living each day focusing just on the day. However, the strange thing about having cancer is that each day is different. Up and down. Some days I wake up and feel great and have the energy to catch up on my world, enjoy a visit or take a walk. Somewhere about early afternoon I hit a brick wall and the day is done. I find it hard to accomplish even the simplest of things. Other days I never quite find that old surge of energy. Those are my indolent days.

Right now energy loss and stomach pain are my biggest obstacles. Even a sweet phone call with a friend can leave me feeling like I need another nap. I used to be the “Energizer Bunny”, annoying most people by running circles around them with activities. Now, sitting on the couch watching TV can take too much energy. Such a drag!

The stomach pains began in July. As mentioned in the previous blog, the doctor found a blocked stent and replaced it. Cured? No! I had a miserable time recovering and the stomach pains actually increased.  In October, they decided a pain block would solve the problem. Back to the hospital for another procedure, and as usual with my history, I had a reaction that only occurs sometimes. It’s November and I’m still recovering. And the stomach pains continue with the increased exhaustion.  

I don’t believe more procedures are the answer. Pain meds seem to work the best, as well as just weathering through.

I guess my journey has reached the point where I’m slowing down. I am now indolent!

We had discussed clinical trials with my doctor in May and there just weren’t any available that matched my needs. As planned, we stayed tuned into clinical trials, but the options have not significantly increased. Given my body’s propensity to respond very poorly to medical interventions, clinical trials (the holy grail of cancer) have lost their appeal. I just can’t imagine subjecting myself to significant pain and discomfort with less than a 10% chance of anything working. I already have enough troubles. My doctor agrees. That’s comforting. He believes I would experience a negative net gain. In other words, I’d have a more negative response than benefit.

So, the “energizer bunny” is focusing on slowing down to conserve energy and enjoy the gift of my well moments: walks in the woods and relaxing. Sorry folks, this is hard. While I respect all your more modest, quiet lifestyles, it’s a bit boring!! I have loved juggling numerous activities and plans! But, I’m moving over to the quiet lane of living and trying to focus on the peace. One activity per day, a nap, only one returned phone call, a nap. I can do this!

Riley, my sweet dog has been quite the pal and Nikki, my granddaughter is a breath of delight. My omnipresent family and friends continue to keep me supported and I never feel alone.

I got this quiet indolent life. 

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This is my blog about living my life with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer—End stage. I joked about writing this imaginary blog when I spent a year on a treatment that allowed me only 10 days to feel well enough to live a fairly normal life. (Actually normal doesn’t even really exist for me anymore!) To earn those good days, I spent the previous 10 days living in post-chemo treatment physical hell – that also became normal in a perverse way. I’m also writing to honor those who are diagnosed with Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer. You might live longer than you expect and I want you to have someone who tells you what that’s like. There aren’t many role models for people with this because, well, they’re usually gone. So, this is for you. Maybe your journey will be similar to mine. Actually, it will probably be very different because “everyone is different.” Even still, maybe this will still be a bit of a guide.

3 thoughts on “Indolent!”

  1. The negative net gain example should be mandatory learning before one enters adulthood. It is a shining example of how to live life on so many levels. And you, my friend, are an example every day of how to appreciate life to so many. And that laugh…. XO

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kathy – thinking of you often and hoping that as you cruise along and take in the scenery in the quieter lane, that you still find enjoyment in it, even though you are not in the ‘energizer bunny’s lane.” Hope little Riley, your hubby, and all your friends and family’s beams of love and light being sent to you, keep you calm and filled with smiles, joy and sprinkles of laughter to forget that you are in the ‘boring’ lane. Sending beams of light and love to you from afar.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The “indolent” lane is alright. A peaceful journey, a walk in the woods is all good. God gave us this beautiful Fall for you to enjoy. Again, I am with you every step of the way❤🍁

    Liked by 1 person

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